Braggy Moms

I always said I wasn't going to be one of those parents that constantly talks about their kids. Turns out I'm one of those parents that constantly talks about their kids! I realized this the other day when a friend asked me what support I had in dealing with Levi having autism. Turns out, one downside to living in a small, rural town is that there are limited resources available to us. We could attend support groups, but we'd have to drive into Kansas City. Right now, that's not a practical solution for us. I have some wonderful mom friends on Facebook that also have children on the spectrum. They're great to share stories with and ask questions and vent frustrations. I'm very thankful for them and for Facebook for allowing us to communicate with each other despite the fact that we lives miles apart. I also have this blog that allows me to vent my frustrations and detail my proud moments. Writing about our experiences has been a great therapy for me. Also, we're very fortunate to work with a great ABA therapist each week. Although she works primarily with Levi, she begins each session by asking how things are going. I've been able to share many things with her and receive some great tips/advice from her in return. However, my biggest "support" has been me sharing my experiences with anyone that will listen. I've become a mom that constantly talks about her kids! I want those people close to us to understand the person that Levi really is, but has trouble showing. So I talk about him. A LOT! And I'm very fortunate to have some amazing friends that let me talk about him. They share in my laughs and provide shoulders when I need to shed tears. My family is my world. Being able to share them with others is one of the greatest gifts that I've been given. If that constant talking makes me one of those "braggy moms" and that bothers you, unfriend me! Otherwise, thanks for sticking with us. It's been an adventure and it's only just begun!

Venting update

After airing my frustrations the other day, I decided to contact the SpEd Director for our school district. Fortunately, I was able to sit down with her this morning and address those frustrations. SO HAPPY that we had this conversation! We're going to increase Levi's speech and occupational therapy minutes for next school year. We're also going to explore some new options for future summer school sessions. She also went over how his new teacher has been adapting her lessons to meet his learning style - he's a VERY visual kid so he'll be getting lots of visual prompts. I feel so much better about the direction we're headed in at this point! Lesson learned - advocate for your child and what you feel is best for them, but do so in a productive manner! So very thankful to have my kids enrolled in our school district! Couldn't ask for a better group of people to work with!

Venting post

Haven't been on here in a while, which seems odd considering I haven't been at work since May 18! You'd think I'd have all kinds of time now that summer vacation has rolled around, but somehow I've managed to keep myself quite busy cleaning the house, doing laundry, shuffling kids to summer school, attending PD events and, most importantly, entertaining Lorin and Levi! Sounds easy, yes?! It's actually been a bit of a downer. Having the kids at home has given me ample opportunity to see areas of strength and weakness in Levi. Unfortunately, I've been hung up on the weaknesses lately and am having a hard time getting past it. His language continues to be a major challenge. So much of what he says is still echoing. When he does offer spontaneous speech, most of what he says is unintelligible. Ugh!!! It's so frustrating to not be able to understand your own child! He has come up with a variety of strategies to help us understand him, but I wonder how effective these strategies will be when he's in the classroom. He's so smart, but how is he going to show others just how smart he is if he doesn't communicate with them? Our local school district has been great in providing him with services and working towards goals, but is this setting truly what's best for him? Is being mainstreamed the best thing for him? Would he be better at a facility that works solely with special needs students? Somewhere where he can get one-on-one help? But if we do that, then he learns how to function in an environment full of people like him and that's not "real life". I hate this "work in progress" thing that he brings to the table with him. I want to see positive results RIGHT NOW! I want some sign that says "you and Brad are doing the right thing". I want to ask my son "how was school today" and get an answer rather than him repeating back to me "how was school today". Ugh!!!

Cheez-Its, M & M's, and a Slinky

Levi and I went to our weekly ABA therapy session yesterday. Thankfully, I spent most of the hour giggling to myself as I watched him, rather than holding back tears like I did last time I took him in! That boy is one very smooth little stinker! To begin, the therapist put 4 objects on the table. She named each of them as she showed them to him so he'd know what to call them. Then, she said to him, "Levi, give me the flashlight". At this, he closed his eyes and turned his head. She repeated it. He kept his eyes closed and now turned his body slightly away from her. This continued for another few minutes until he was sitting with his back to her and his eyes closed. At this point, I'm thinking to myself, "Oh crap, here we go again". But then she tells him, "Levi, give me the flashlight and I'll give you an M & M". My precious little stinker promptly opened his eyes, turned to look at her, and handed her the flashlight! From here, therapy progressed rather smoothly as Levi continued to do as asked knowing that eventually he would be rewarded. At times, he even asked for the reward before he would do what she was asking. I nearly fell out of my chair when I heard the therapist tell him "Levi, point to blue" and he answered with "I want Cheez-Its". They repeated this back and forth until she gave him a Cheez-It. After eating the Cheez-It, he picked up the blue card and handed it to the therapist. My grandmother would say he was being a "pill"! He did very well yesterday, learning quickly to say the name of objects that he wanted in order to earn a reward. For rewards, he got to choose either an M & M, a Cheez-It, or a few minutes to play with a Slinky. It was very interesting to watch all of the things that he could/would do and say in order to earn his rewards. When it was over, the therapist gave me a few suggestions for how to use this method at home. I feel like I'm bribing my kid to get him to do what I want, but if that's what it takes I'll do it. Plus, his therapist assures me that it's not really bribing, it's simply "reinforcing desired behaviors". Who knew that Cheez-Its, M & M's, and a Slinky could be such powerful "reinforcers"! Gotta go! I have to run to the store to stock up on Cheez-Its and M & M's!

Therapy, round 2

What a difference a week makes! Brad took Levi to his ABA therapy on Monday. Apparently, he responded like a completely different kid this week. Brad said he talked with the therapist, followed commands that she gave him, and completed one and two step directions. After this session, the therapist said she's ready to move him up into the 24-36 month set of tasks. Way to go buddy! Brad and I have known all along that he's very capable we just weren't sure how to get him to show others that he's capable. Apparently, he just needs a little time to warm up to new people and/or new places. I'm so relieved that he's already warming up to his therapist and showing her what he can do. I'm really looking forward to taking him back next week and watching him "strut his stuff" for her. Thanks to everyone for the kind words and prayers in response to my last post. Our first therapy session was a tough one and it really took the wind out of my sails. I really appreciate all of the support. Thank you! On another note, Levi is having a lot of success with his PECS app at school. He's starting to communicate with the adults in his classroom without having to use the app. He's used it enough that he's learned what to say and will now engage in spontaneous "conversation" with his teachers. He still does a lot of echoing, but he is starting to make simple statements and ask questions. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for him to want something and not have the words he needs to ask for it. I'm so glad that this app is giving him a way to communicate! Another cool thing about the app is that it puts the word with the picture. Because of this, I think he's starting to recognize some of those words. He loves letters and signs so I'm thinking it's just a matter of time before he's picking up a book and reading it to us!

Therapy

ABA therapy is the "it" thing in autism right now so Brad and I have been encouraged by several people to try this with Levi.  After much searching, we found a therapist near us that our insurance has finally agreed to cover.  We finally went in today for our first session.  To sum it up in one word:  BRUTAL!  The therapist is starting by doing a screening to find out Levi's strengths and weaknesses.  From this, we'll work together to develop a plan for him.  Today, she began this screening.  She worked with Levi in the play area while I watched on a TV in her office.  For an hour, she asked him to point out body parts; pick up certain toys; repeat things that she said; point out objects on picture cards.  For an hour I watched in disbelief while he did very little of what he was being asked to do.  I cannot tell you how frustrating this was.  Some of the stuff she asked him to point out (shoulders, sheep) were things thjavascript:void(0)at I wouldn't expect him to know because they're not things we've taught him.  However, he knows some of his body parts (eyes, ears), but didn't point them out.  He knew some of toys (ball, car), but didn't pick them up.  At times, he got frustrated and began to get teary eyed.  Other times he turned his head and tried to pretend like the lady wasn't there.  And when it was all over, the therapist told me that what she completed today shows him having the language skills of an 18 month old.  My 4 years and 6 months old son has the language skills of an 18 month old!  I realize that today wasn't a true reflection of his strengths and weaknesses.  He was in a new environment being asked to do things by a total stranger with mom and dad nowhere in sight.  I know that one assessment given over a one hour time period doesn't give a true picture.  I know that he's perfectly capable of doing some of the tasks that he was ask to do.  I've seen him do them.  But watching him not do it and then being told that his initial evaluation shows that he has the language skills of an 18 month old was horrifying.  I know this little boy and the things that he can do.  I know that he's smart.  I know that he has the desire to communicate with people.  I know that he feels love and is capable of returning that feeling.  But days like today make me question whether he'll ever be able to show these things to other people.  I f 'in hate autism today!  

Doc

Levi and I took a trip down I-70 the other day.  This trip took us through Sweet Springs, Missouri.  Passing through there, I couldn't help but notice the I-70 Community Hospital and every time I see it I immediately think of Doc Lea.  I miss that man!  I don't know of any other doctors that can diagnose your illness by the answer you give to the question "what color is your snot?"  I remember a time that Brad split his forehead open at work.  We went to the local ER, but they gave us an ice pack and told us it'd be about an hour.  Not pleased with that answer, I called Doc to see if he could stitch Brad up at the office.  He told us that it would make his day!  So we headed into his office and he and Mina got to work stitching Brad up.  I sat in corner reading a magazine, which Doc could hardly stand.  At least a dozen times he said "get up here and watch this, you don't know what you're missing out on".  He was like a kid in the candy store while he closed Brad up.  While I'll always remember these things, it's the way that Doc helped me battle anxiety/depression that have left a very special place in my heart for him.  The summer after I had my tubal pregnancy, I started having horrible chest pains and often had a difficult time breathing.  I was convinced that I had some horrible illness and was on my deathbed.  After being rushed to an ER by a friend, I was told that there appeared to be nothing wrong with me and I should check in with my regular doctor.  Unfortunately, at this time Doc Lea wasn't covered by our insurance so he wasn't my PCP.  I went to my doctor and after about 15 minutes of conversation was told that I was depressed and handed a prescription for Prozac.  I threw it away on the way out the door because no part of me believed that all of my symptoms were in my head.  As soon as I got in my car, I called Doc's office and set up an appointment.  I went in furious and told him how ridiculous my visit with my PCP had been.  For the next few weeks, Doc ran every test that might possibly explain what was wrong with me - chest x-rays, blood work, stress test, etc.  Every time the tests came back showing nothing was wrong, Doc calmly told me what we could do next.  Finally, Doc called me at work one day to tell me that my latest round of tests had shown that nothing was wrong.  I was finally starting to realize that maybe it was in my head and I told him this.  His response?  "It's about God-damn time you realized that.  Come see me after work today and we'll figure this out".  He knew from Day 1 that I was suffering from panic attacks.  He also knew that I wasn't on board with that diagnosis.  Rather than force it on me, he waited very patiently for me to come around to it on my own, knowing that's what it would take to get me the help that I needed.  Doc helped me to understand that there was nothing wrong with me and that depression/panic attacks are not something to be ashamed of.  After he diagnosed me, I continued to see Doc up until he closed his practice and went to Sweet Springs.  Sadly, Doc passed away a few years ago.  I wish he was still here so he could see my Levi.  I often wonder what advice and suggestions he might have.  If nothing else, I'd like to see the look on Lorin's face when he asks "what color's your snot".  Thanks for everything Doc.  I miss you!     

Easter

I stopped in at Target today to return a few things and decided to check out the $1 aisle before I left.  Normally, the $1 aisle is a teachers paradise because you can stock up on tons of little classroom knick-knacks for next-to-nothing.  Not today.  Nope!  Today, as I stood in the $1 aisle looking over all the Easter goodies it suddenly dawned on me that this Easter will be the 10 anniversary of my "spontaneous abortion".  That's what my medical chart calls the ectopic pregnancy that I had to have surgically removed.  I hate the name.  It implies that I had a choice.  I didn't have a choice.  And I don't know why it suddenly hit me today at Target.  I know that I was standing there looking at Easter socks and it hit me that this year makes 10 years.  Without warning, I broke into a sweat and found it very difficult to breathe.  I bolted to my car as fast as I could and for the next 15 minutes I was the lunatic in the Target parking lot with tears streaming down her face while gasping for air.  I can only imagine what people must have thought.  I was thinking "Oh, no.  Not again".  This wasn't my first panic attack.  I've had them before.  And they all started with that pregnancy.  Brad and I were thrilled to find out that we were pregnant.  We had a few signs that something might be wrong so we had blood tests done.  On Friday, we got a call that those blood tests were good.  On Sunday, we were in the emergency room being prepped for an emergency laparoscopy.  Needless to say, I didn't deal with any of this very well.  Eventually, my inability to "deal with it" led me to start having panic attacks.  I've had a few of them over the past 10 years, but today was the worst.  And now that it's over I find myself once again being consumed by all of those questions that I asked 10 years ago and never got answered.  Why did this happen?  What could I have done differently?  With all the advances in modern medicine, why couldn't they just remove the pregnancy from my tube and implant it in my uterus where it should be?  Boy or girl?  It seems crazy.  I now have two amazing children.  I have no doubt that I was put on this Earth so that I could be their mom.  But every now and then, I catch myself playing the "what if" game when it comes to that pregnancy.   Today was apparently one of those days.

Potty Training

Ughhhhhhhhhh.........I HATE potty training! We have no idea what we're doing.  We've tried everything and we still have a very stubborn 4 year old running around in diapers.  Again, I find myself wondering if it's his stubbornness or his autism or a combination of both, but whatever it is I'm ready for it to end.  He's ready.  He'll tell us when he's dirty.  He can take down his pants and pull off his diaper.  He will stop what he's doing and focus on urinating.  He's ready!  We've read books.  We've scoured the internet looking for ideas.  We've offered candy.  We've had him run around naked.  We've made visual cue cards.  I don't know what else to do.  He'll sit on the potty for several minutes and nothing.  And then as soon as the diaper is back on he'll fill it to the brim.  In all of our attempts, we have NEVER gotten him to urinate while sitting on the potty.  Thinking that maybe the problem was sitting on the potty, we've also tried the standing up approach.  This hasn't worked either.  We are at a loss.  Anybody have suggestions?  If we don't have some sort of breakthrough in the next few weeks, our son is going to be running around naked all summer while we try to get him used to life without diapers.  Neighbors - consider this your warning!!    

Grace

For Christmas, Levi got an IPod Touch.  Our thinking for this was that he could use some of the amazing apps out there for kids with autism.  The thing is, there are so many apps out there that we don't even know where to start.  He uses a program at school called PECS.  This is a picture exchange program that allows him to communicate his wants/needs by using picture icons.  Fortunately, he also uses an IPod at school and they found an app that is nearly identical to this program.  After some searching, we found this app and were very pleasantly surprised to learn that it's extremely affordable.  This app is called Grace.  Levi has been using this app at school for about 2 months.  Until a few days ago, we hadn't tried it at home.  Most of the things that he wants at home are within his reach.  Also, we've gotten into this very bad habit of getting things for him without making him ask for them.  However, we recently purchased and downloaded the Grace app.  A few nights ago, we took pictures of items around the house that he routinely wants - chocolate milk, bananas, cheese, fruit bars, etc.  We spent a few minutes showing him the program, but he didn't seem all that interested so we didn't push it.  Then, Saturday morning rolled around.  As usual, Levi came into the kitchen and sat down to breakfast.  We already had his banana and fruit bar on the table.  As soon as he sat down he got back up, turned around, and took off running down the hall.  We had no idea what he was doing and were very surprised by it because he normally scarfs down his breakfast.  Just as soon as he left, he was back with his IPod!  Without any prompting, he opened the Grace app, put together the pictures to say "I want chocolate milk" and handed me the IPod saying I want chocolate milk.  WOW!!!  Since then, he's used the app a few other times to ask for things that he wants.  I cannot tell you how exciting this is for us!  We still have a long way to go, but what an awesome start!  We haven't used it for long, but we are total believers in the Grace app.  I fully recommend this app!  At the same time, I'm very anxious to try others.  If you have an app that you really love that might help someone with autism, please pass it on!

God

I found this great quote on Pinterest - When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is remember the teacher is always quiet during the test.  I've been through some hard times and remember wondering what kind of God would allow those hard times to happen.  I've been very angry at God for not stopping those things from happening.  I've always believed that there is a God.  I've even prayed to him, at times.  But I've had a hard time putting my faith in Him.  Organized religion has never been a part of my life.  My mom taught us that God created Earth so you can worship him from anywhere on Earth.  We didn't attend church growing up and I carried that with me into my adult life.  Now it's just habit that Sunday is lazy day at our house.  I spend so much time at work during the week that I don't want to give up weekend time with my family to go to church.  Now, however, my employer is preparing to go to a 4 day work week.  Starting in August, we'll have 3 day weekends every week.  This gives me one extra day at home with my family each week.  Maybe now I don't have to be so selfish about my Sunday mornings.  Maybe now I can start learning more about religion and attempt to put more faith in Him.  I want to do these things.  I want my kids to do these things. The quote above and the 4 day work week have really got me thinking these past few days.  It just seems like somehow, SOMEONE is speaking to me.  For whatever reason, I'm still hesitant to listen right now.  I'm hoping that the 4 day work week will eliminate all of my excuses and push me to listen.  Time will tell!  In the meantime, I'd love to hear your thoughts!     

Snow Day

Three inches of snow turned today into a snow day for us!  Thankfully, my call came at 5:23 this morning so I had plenty of time to shut down the alarm clocks in our room and Lorin's room and crawl back into bed.  Unfortunately, sleep was hard to come by after being up!  I did mange to stay in bed until 8, but it was mostly light dozing which really doesn't count as sleep when you have kids!  After running a few errands and visiting Nana, we headed home to play in the snow.  Lorin couldn't get ready fast enough.  Levi wanted no part of it!  He was not happy with the snow boots and gloves.  Don't get me started on the fiasco that was me trying to put him in snow pants!  Finally, I stripped all of his snow gear off, threw on his coat and tennis shoes and let him play on the porch while Lorin and I built a snowman in the front yard.  When Brad got home, he was finally able to get him into snow boots, but that's as far was we got with snow gear!  Days like today make me wonder if his stubbornness is due to autism or if he inherited that from me.  I'm going to keep telling myself that he only got good traits from me and the stubbornness must be from autism!  He and I are inside now.  He's happily out of all snow gear and playing with his DS.  It amazes me to watch him play.  At 4, he's better at Mario than I am!  Meanwhile, Lorin and Brad are still outside.  They've been sledding, throwing snowballs and are now "exploring" along the creek behind our house.  When they finally come in, she'll want hot cocoa with marshmallow cream.  Much earlier than usual, she and Levi will both be ready for bed after the physical exhaustion of playing in the snow kicks in.  Overall, awesome day!  Days like today are part of why I love being a teacher.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my job.  But teaching has several perks and being able to spend snow days at home with my kids is definitely one of them!

Girls Day

Lorin, Mom, and I spent Saturday in KC doing the "girls day out" thing.  We ate lunch, did a little shopping, saw a show, ate some dinner, and did a little more shopping.  Not exactly my idea of a great time, except in this case it was.  At lunch, we shared a fondue dessert.  Watching Lorin dipping and re-dipping everything was hilarious!  Watching her and Nana pick out jewelry for one another while we shopped was fun.  I don't think there's a ring out there that is too gaudy for those two!  Sitting on a bench outside the theater, sharing hot cocoa, and talking about the things we hoped to see during the play was interesting.  I'm always fascinated by the things that Lorin comes up with.  We saw Aladdin.  Before the show, she was worried that the person playing Jasmine wouldn't be pretty enough; and were they going to have a real monkey; and how would the magic carpet fly; and tons of questions about the genie.  It was awesome to have that conversation with her and hear her thoughts/worries before going in.  Watching Lorin's face as she watched the play was great.  She was so entertained that she wasn't even bothered by the fact that the story differed from the Disney movie version that she's used to.  After dinner and more shopping, Lorin finally told us that she thought we should head home.  Mom and I checked our watches expecting it to be about 10 at this point and were shocked to find that it was only 6:30!  This probably doesn't sound like much to you, but I just can't tell you how much I enjoyed that day - spending time with my girl; watching my girl interact with my mom; seeing that my girl is becoming a little lady.  It was amazing!  I remember having days like this with my mom when I was younger.  I also remember reaching a point where I dreaded these days.  I begrudgingly went along with them and I'm sure I made it clear that I wasn't a willing participant.  At the time, I couldn't imagine why my mom kept putting up with me and setting up these "girls day out" events.  Now I understand.  I dread the day that Lorin no longer wants to spend these days with me.  Even then, I'll probably force her to go just like my mom did.  In the words of mothers everywhere, "one day she'll thank me for this"!

Chiropractor

I made my first ever trip to the chiropractor last week.  What an experience!  For someone that does not like people in her personal space, this definitely pushed my buttons!  I found it very hard to "relax" and let the man do his job.  In the end, I'm so very relieved that I went.  However, I'm not sure I'll ever go again.  I've never had back problems before.  I know people that have chronic back pain and I have new-found respect for them after this experience.  My experience started sometime during Christmas break, I twisted the wrong way and nearly dropped to the floor from the pain that went shooting through my lower back and down into my left leg.  The sad thing is, this happened when I was bringing a box of Christmas decorations up from the basement.  I frequently lift my 70 pound 4-year-old with no trouble, but a 15 pound box of Christmas decorations nearly laid me out!  I took some Aleve, called it quits with the decorating and spent the rest of the day laying around.  Over the next month, the pain would come and go.  At times, it was almost unbearable.  Other times, it was barely noticeable.  Finally, I took a colleagues advice and called "her guy".  It was Friday, I was hurting, and they wouldn't be able to get me in until Monday.  However, by Monday the pain was gone and I debated cancelling the appointment.  In the end, I went and am now so thankful that I did.  After filling out all the insurance paperwork, they called me back.  The gal that took me to the exam room (is that what you call it at a chiropractors office?) went over a few preliminary things and then asked if I wanted a massage to help "loosen me up".  I declined this, which took her by surprise.  Apparently, not many people decline the massage.  I was already tense and was afraid that the massage would only make it worse.  Having never been to a chiropractor before, I was a little intimidated by the "equipment" in the room.  Things looked like ancient torture devices.  It was very weird!  Eventually Dr. Chiropractor came in and commented on me declining the massage.  I told him I was very nervous/apprehensive.  At that point, he directed me to one of the torture devices and began his work.  He was very good to tell me everything he was doing and why he was doing it.  Eventually, we got into the "realigning".  This was horrible.  First, the sound of bones being snapped back into place is disgusting.  I cringed every time I heard it, despite the fact that there was no physical pain to go along with the sound.  Even worse than the sound was the closeness.  At times, he was literally sitting on me and holding parts of me down while he twisted and pulled every which way.  I'm not sure if you've caught onto this, but I HATE PEOPLE IN MY PERSONAL SPACE!  This guy was no exception.  The entire thing was just horribly awkward.  I don't know how people do this routinely.  Don't get me wrong, this guy was good.  If you find yourself in the Lexington area and needing a good chiropractor, I would happily recommend this guy to you.  But, I hope I never have to see him again.  I just don't think I can deal with the sounds and the closeness of visiting the chiropractor again!    

Hearts

We have a team of teachers at school called the PBS team.  PBS stands for Positive Behavior Support.  We track student behavior; promote positive character; represent our grade level team at meetings; etc.  This year, we decided to start providing positive support for staff members too.  This month, we've started passing out paper hearts.  Our team leader punched out construction paper hearts and put them in a container in the office.  All staff members are encouraged to write positive messages to other staff members on these hearts and leave them in the receivers mailbox.  When you receive a heart message, you post a blank heart on the wall in the main hallway.  It's pretty darn cool to see how long that chain has grown in the past few weeks!  It's also pretty darn cool to be the receiver of a heart.  To get this project started, each member of the PBS team was "assigned" 5-6 employees that they were to give hearts to.  This was a little tricky.   I wanted my hearts to be meaningful, but I had people that I rarely see other than just passing in the hallway.  Included in my first batch of "assigned" hearts were a teammate, 2 teachers that I rarely see, 1 para that I rarely see, and the lady that scans lunch cards.  My teammate was easy.  As a matter of fact, I could have easily filled a dozen hearts with all the positive things I could say about her.  The 2 teachers and the para were a little harder.  I had to make it a point to get into their part of the building and watch them so I could make their hearts specific to them.  The lunch lady was the hardest of all.  After watching her (and her colleagues) for a few days, I learned that it takes a VERY special person to be a lunch lady!  I completed my "assignment" and felt great about what I'd done - not only had I shared a positive message with someone, but I'd also learned something about them in the process.  Score 1 for paper hearts!  I've also received several hearts which is also a nice surprise.  Some have come from my teammates.  These are the people in the building that I work with every day and that know me better than anyone else at work.  Their messages have been very supportive and encouraging and I've loved reading them.  Some have come from colleagues that I don't often see.  They mention things like the patience they see me exhibit with Levi as we complete our daily routine on the way from the bus to my classroom.  These put a smile on my face because I still don't feel like a very patient person, yet they're praising me for being so patient.  I got  a very simple one from a colleague saying "thank you" for something that I'd done for them.  Those of you that know me, know how much I like hand-written thank you's!  I've even gotten a heart from the boss.  I asked her a question that she wasn't sure about the answer to so she later wrote me a heart saying that she liked that I keep her on her toes.  It probably sounds dorky to you, but I love walking into the office to check my mailbox and seeing that I have a new heart.  The message on it is always such a day brightener.  Score 2 for paper hearts!  At some point in the next few days, you should send a heart! You'll be amazed by how much a little positive reinforcement can boost a persons spirit and productivity!  

Patience

I was part of a book study at our local Baptist church a few years ago.  The author of our book stated that it's not a good idea to ask God for patience because he will likely give it to you in a manner that you don't necessarily want.  I am not a patient person.  I've never asked for patience, but I feel like it's being given to me.  I am convinced that I was given a son with autism to help teach me to be more patient.  Today, I don't like the means by which it's being given to me!  Normally, I can walk from my car to my classroom in 5 minutes.  Sometime it's longer if I stop and talk to people along the way, but 5 minutes is a pretty fair estimate.  Walking from my classroom to my car is a completely different story.  The difference?  My son.  Today, we left my classroom at 4:09.  It was 4:34 when we got everyone buckled into their seats in the car.  Twenty-five minutes to walk up one flight of stairs, down a long hallway, and across a parking lot.  I did not have the patience for this today.  I wanted to get out of there and move quickly from point A (my classroom) to point B (my car).  Levi cannot do point A to point B.  Levi has to stop at points C, D, E, F, ... along with way.  Levi has to stop at every water fountain and get a drink.  There are 6 water fountains between my classroom and the door we use to exit the building.  Levi has to stop at each bathroom and wash his hands.  There are 5 bathrooms along the way that he likes to stop in.  There are light switches at the bottom and top of the stairwell that we use.  Levi has to turn both of these off and then back on.  After turning them off, he has to tell me that they're off and I have to repeat this back to him.  We have to do the same thing when he turns them on.  As we walk up the stairs, we have to count each stair.  FYI - There are 20! When we finally make it to the exit door, we have to prop the door open, repeat back to him "Levi close the door please" and then wait for the door to slam shut.  When we finally make it to the car, we have to turn the temperature control to fan setting #3 and play the same CD starting at song #1.  He has to open and close his door all by himself.  If I help at all he has to do it again without any help from me.  Most days, I just roll with it and go through the motions of this routine without much thought.  For whatever reason, however, there are some days when this routine pushes me over the edge.  Today was one of those days.  Yep.  Today, patience is not on my side.  Dear God - I'll take fewer lessons on patience!

Family

The other day I posted about how lucky we are to have such a supportive family.  The thing is, I can't say that about my entire family and that really pisses me off.  My dad and I have a very on-again, off-again relationship.  It's complicated and has been for a very long time.  When I was in the 5th grade, my dad lost his job.  Eventually, he found a new job in a town 2 hours away.  He wanted us all to move to that town.  My mom didn't want to uproot us all and my brothers and I were happy with that decision so we stayed put and dad moved into an apartment in a new town.  At the time, I was thrilled that we weren't moving, but I felt like my dad had abandoned his family and I was very mad at him for it.  In the beginning, he came home one night during the week and every weekend.  Eventually, this turned into every weekend.  Over a few years, this turned into every other weekend.  Over a few more years, he was coming home only for holidays and important events.  As you can imagine, he missed many events, particularly school related events that went on during the work week.  His missing things only fueled my anger and I had little interest in creating any type of relationship with him.  He didn't seem all that interested either so years went by with neither of us putting in any effort.  Fast forward twenty years.  I became a parent 8 years ago.  As had been the case for several years, dad came around during holidays.  When present, he played the part of the doting grandfather.  Otherwise, we heard little from him.  Four years ago, Brad and I became parents again.  Suddenly, having two children to care for brought some perspective to my life.  I finally understand why my dad left.  I didn't agree with it, but I finally understood that he was doing what he thought was best for his family.  He was providing for us financially.  This brought me a strange sense of respect for this man who I felt like I barely knew.  At about this same time, my mom sat us down to tell us that she was going to divorce him.  Knowing that holidays at mom's house, which had been the only time we saw him for the past several years, were now going by the wayside sent me into a tailspin.  If I didn't put forth the effort, there wouldn't be any relationship.  So I started making it a point to call him every weekend.  It was weird.  This went on for almost a year.  It never got easier.  We had no idea what to talk to each other about.  I started getting angry because I felt like I was the only one putting forth any effort.  If I missed a weekend, he didn't call.  One day, I decided to not call and see how long it would take before he called me.  That was over a year ago and I've not heard from him.  It'd be really easy for me to point out all the "wrongs" he's done to me over the years and blame all of this on him.  However, I realize that I'm not an easy person to get along with.  I'm also a tried and true mama's girl.  It can't have been easy for him and I'm sure he could just as easily point the finger at me.  The thing is, I'm at a point in my life right now where I just don't care.  I have no interest in working on a relationship with him right now.  That doesn't bother me.  What bothers me is the question "what kind of person does that make me"?  What bothers me more than anything, however, is that he's missing out on the lives of these two amazing little people that Brad and I brought into the world and he doesn't seem to care at all.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive that one.  So again, I'm stuck with "what kind of person does that make me"?

ASD and the extended family

I remember when we found out that Levi has an ASD.  One of my first thoughts was "Oh, God!  How is this going to impact Lorin?"  I worried that he wouldn't be able to function as an adult in our society and would become her burden to care for when Brad and I are no longer able to do so.  This seemed so unfair to her and made me quite upset.  Thankfully, Levi is showing us every day that he is much stronger than his ASD.  Brad and I have every reason to think that he's going to be a very productive member of society and, because of this, we have been able to move on to the "acceptance" stage of the grieving process.  During the holidays, we were very fortunate to spend time with both sides of our family.  It was during this time that I realized that Levi's ASD is more far-reaching than just me, Brad and Lorin.  I never considered the impact that his diagnosis might have on other members of our family.  For example, there's the family member that immediately jumped into "fix it" mode.  They researched centers that we should contact and therapies that we should try.  They sent links to research articles.  They even went so far as to tell us that we needed to sell the house and move to an urban area where we'd have access to more resources.  On the flip-side of that, we had the "deniers".  They just didn't see what was wrong.  So he doesn't talk; that's just because his dad is shy.  He doesn't make eye-contact; that's because it makes him uncomfortable.  He likes to play with light switches and electrical outlets; he's going to be an electrician when he grows up.  Somewhere in the middle, we had the "I'm just angry" crowd.  They're not necessarily mad at Levi; they're mad at his limitations.  I can't talk to him.  I can't play with him.  He won't let me give him a hug.  Watching all of  this going on around us over the course of a few weeks was an eye-opening experience.  First, it made us realize that having a child with an ASD affects our entire family, not just me, Brad, Lorin, and Levi.  We're not in this alone.  We have the greatest resource available to us - a loving family that wants to do whatever they can to help us all weather the storm that is having a child with an ASD.  Second, it helped to make me feel normal.  I have been all of the above people.  For a very long time, I didn't want to believe that anything was wrong and I made excuses for his peculiar behavior.  Then I wanted to "fix" him.  When I realized I couldn't fix him, I was mad as hell.  Sadly, watching other people that care about him struggle to make sense of this disorder has made me feel like maybe I'm handling this in a way that's okay.  I'm glad we don't have all the answers.  It's thrilling to know that we have such an amazing group of family members to help us search for them!