Family

The other day I posted about how lucky we are to have such a supportive family.  The thing is, I can't say that about my entire family and that really pisses me off.  My dad and I have a very on-again, off-again relationship.  It's complicated and has been for a very long time.  When I was in the 5th grade, my dad lost his job.  Eventually, he found a new job in a town 2 hours away.  He wanted us all to move to that town.  My mom didn't want to uproot us all and my brothers and I were happy with that decision so we stayed put and dad moved into an apartment in a new town.  At the time, I was thrilled that we weren't moving, but I felt like my dad had abandoned his family and I was very mad at him for it.  In the beginning, he came home one night during the week and every weekend.  Eventually, this turned into every weekend.  Over a few years, this turned into every other weekend.  Over a few more years, he was coming home only for holidays and important events.  As you can imagine, he missed many events, particularly school related events that went on during the work week.  His missing things only fueled my anger and I had little interest in creating any type of relationship with him.  He didn't seem all that interested either so years went by with neither of us putting in any effort.  Fast forward twenty years.  I became a parent 8 years ago.  As had been the case for several years, dad came around during holidays.  When present, he played the part of the doting grandfather.  Otherwise, we heard little from him.  Four years ago, Brad and I became parents again.  Suddenly, having two children to care for brought some perspective to my life.  I finally understand why my dad left.  I didn't agree with it, but I finally understood that he was doing what he thought was best for his family.  He was providing for us financially.  This brought me a strange sense of respect for this man who I felt like I barely knew.  At about this same time, my mom sat us down to tell us that she was going to divorce him.  Knowing that holidays at mom's house, which had been the only time we saw him for the past several years, were now going by the wayside sent me into a tailspin.  If I didn't put forth the effort, there wouldn't be any relationship.  So I started making it a point to call him every weekend.  It was weird.  This went on for almost a year.  It never got easier.  We had no idea what to talk to each other about.  I started getting angry because I felt like I was the only one putting forth any effort.  If I missed a weekend, he didn't call.  One day, I decided to not call and see how long it would take before he called me.  That was over a year ago and I've not heard from him.  It'd be really easy for me to point out all the "wrongs" he's done to me over the years and blame all of this on him.  However, I realize that I'm not an easy person to get along with.  I'm also a tried and true mama's girl.  It can't have been easy for him and I'm sure he could just as easily point the finger at me.  The thing is, I'm at a point in my life right now where I just don't care.  I have no interest in working on a relationship with him right now.  That doesn't bother me.  What bothers me is the question "what kind of person does that make me"?  What bothers me more than anything, however, is that he's missing out on the lives of these two amazing little people that Brad and I brought into the world and he doesn't seem to care at all.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive that one.  So again, I'm stuck with "what kind of person does that make me"?