Doc

Levi and I took a trip down I-70 the other day.  This trip took us through Sweet Springs, Missouri.  Passing through there, I couldn't help but notice the I-70 Community Hospital and every time I see it I immediately think of Doc Lea.  I miss that man!  I don't know of any other doctors that can diagnose your illness by the answer you give to the question "what color is your snot?"  I remember a time that Brad split his forehead open at work.  We went to the local ER, but they gave us an ice pack and told us it'd be about an hour.  Not pleased with that answer, I called Doc to see if he could stitch Brad up at the office.  He told us that it would make his day!  So we headed into his office and he and Mina got to work stitching Brad up.  I sat in corner reading a magazine, which Doc could hardly stand.  At least a dozen times he said "get up here and watch this, you don't know what you're missing out on".  He was like a kid in the candy store while he closed Brad up.  While I'll always remember these things, it's the way that Doc helped me battle anxiety/depression that have left a very special place in my heart for him.  The summer after I had my tubal pregnancy, I started having horrible chest pains and often had a difficult time breathing.  I was convinced that I had some horrible illness and was on my deathbed.  After being rushed to an ER by a friend, I was told that there appeared to be nothing wrong with me and I should check in with my regular doctor.  Unfortunately, at this time Doc Lea wasn't covered by our insurance so he wasn't my PCP.  I went to my doctor and after about 15 minutes of conversation was told that I was depressed and handed a prescription for Prozac.  I threw it away on the way out the door because no part of me believed that all of my symptoms were in my head.  As soon as I got in my car, I called Doc's office and set up an appointment.  I went in furious and told him how ridiculous my visit with my PCP had been.  For the next few weeks, Doc ran every test that might possibly explain what was wrong with me - chest x-rays, blood work, stress test, etc.  Every time the tests came back showing nothing was wrong, Doc calmly told me what we could do next.  Finally, Doc called me at work one day to tell me that my latest round of tests had shown that nothing was wrong.  I was finally starting to realize that maybe it was in my head and I told him this.  His response?  "It's about God-damn time you realized that.  Come see me after work today and we'll figure this out".  He knew from Day 1 that I was suffering from panic attacks.  He also knew that I wasn't on board with that diagnosis.  Rather than force it on me, he waited very patiently for me to come around to it on my own, knowing that's what it would take to get me the help that I needed.  Doc helped me to understand that there was nothing wrong with me and that depression/panic attacks are not something to be ashamed of.  After he diagnosed me, I continued to see Doc up until he closed his practice and went to Sweet Springs.  Sadly, Doc passed away a few years ago.  I wish he was still here so he could see my Levi.  I often wonder what advice and suggestions he might have.  If nothing else, I'd like to see the look on Lorin's face when he asks "what color's your snot".  Thanks for everything Doc.  I miss you!     

Easter

I stopped in at Target today to return a few things and decided to check out the $1 aisle before I left.  Normally, the $1 aisle is a teachers paradise because you can stock up on tons of little classroom knick-knacks for next-to-nothing.  Not today.  Nope!  Today, as I stood in the $1 aisle looking over all the Easter goodies it suddenly dawned on me that this Easter will be the 10 anniversary of my "spontaneous abortion".  That's what my medical chart calls the ectopic pregnancy that I had to have surgically removed.  I hate the name.  It implies that I had a choice.  I didn't have a choice.  And I don't know why it suddenly hit me today at Target.  I know that I was standing there looking at Easter socks and it hit me that this year makes 10 years.  Without warning, I broke into a sweat and found it very difficult to breathe.  I bolted to my car as fast as I could and for the next 15 minutes I was the lunatic in the Target parking lot with tears streaming down her face while gasping for air.  I can only imagine what people must have thought.  I was thinking "Oh, no.  Not again".  This wasn't my first panic attack.  I've had them before.  And they all started with that pregnancy.  Brad and I were thrilled to find out that we were pregnant.  We had a few signs that something might be wrong so we had blood tests done.  On Friday, we got a call that those blood tests were good.  On Sunday, we were in the emergency room being prepped for an emergency laparoscopy.  Needless to say, I didn't deal with any of this very well.  Eventually, my inability to "deal with it" led me to start having panic attacks.  I've had a few of them over the past 10 years, but today was the worst.  And now that it's over I find myself once again being consumed by all of those questions that I asked 10 years ago and never got answered.  Why did this happen?  What could I have done differently?  With all the advances in modern medicine, why couldn't they just remove the pregnancy from my tube and implant it in my uterus where it should be?  Boy or girl?  It seems crazy.  I now have two amazing children.  I have no doubt that I was put on this Earth so that I could be their mom.  But every now and then, I catch myself playing the "what if" game when it comes to that pregnancy.   Today was apparently one of those days.

Potty Training

Ughhhhhhhhhh.........I HATE potty training! We have no idea what we're doing.  We've tried everything and we still have a very stubborn 4 year old running around in diapers.  Again, I find myself wondering if it's his stubbornness or his autism or a combination of both, but whatever it is I'm ready for it to end.  He's ready.  He'll tell us when he's dirty.  He can take down his pants and pull off his diaper.  He will stop what he's doing and focus on urinating.  He's ready!  We've read books.  We've scoured the internet looking for ideas.  We've offered candy.  We've had him run around naked.  We've made visual cue cards.  I don't know what else to do.  He'll sit on the potty for several minutes and nothing.  And then as soon as the diaper is back on he'll fill it to the brim.  In all of our attempts, we have NEVER gotten him to urinate while sitting on the potty.  Thinking that maybe the problem was sitting on the potty, we've also tried the standing up approach.  This hasn't worked either.  We are at a loss.  Anybody have suggestions?  If we don't have some sort of breakthrough in the next few weeks, our son is going to be running around naked all summer while we try to get him used to life without diapers.  Neighbors - consider this your warning!!    

Grace

For Christmas, Levi got an IPod Touch.  Our thinking for this was that he could use some of the amazing apps out there for kids with autism.  The thing is, there are so many apps out there that we don't even know where to start.  He uses a program at school called PECS.  This is a picture exchange program that allows him to communicate his wants/needs by using picture icons.  Fortunately, he also uses an IPod at school and they found an app that is nearly identical to this program.  After some searching, we found this app and were very pleasantly surprised to learn that it's extremely affordable.  This app is called Grace.  Levi has been using this app at school for about 2 months.  Until a few days ago, we hadn't tried it at home.  Most of the things that he wants at home are within his reach.  Also, we've gotten into this very bad habit of getting things for him without making him ask for them.  However, we recently purchased and downloaded the Grace app.  A few nights ago, we took pictures of items around the house that he routinely wants - chocolate milk, bananas, cheese, fruit bars, etc.  We spent a few minutes showing him the program, but he didn't seem all that interested so we didn't push it.  Then, Saturday morning rolled around.  As usual, Levi came into the kitchen and sat down to breakfast.  We already had his banana and fruit bar on the table.  As soon as he sat down he got back up, turned around, and took off running down the hall.  We had no idea what he was doing and were very surprised by it because he normally scarfs down his breakfast.  Just as soon as he left, he was back with his IPod!  Without any prompting, he opened the Grace app, put together the pictures to say "I want chocolate milk" and handed me the IPod saying I want chocolate milk.  WOW!!!  Since then, he's used the app a few other times to ask for things that he wants.  I cannot tell you how exciting this is for us!  We still have a long way to go, but what an awesome start!  We haven't used it for long, but we are total believers in the Grace app.  I fully recommend this app!  At the same time, I'm very anxious to try others.  If you have an app that you really love that might help someone with autism, please pass it on!

God

I found this great quote on Pinterest - When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is remember the teacher is always quiet during the test.  I've been through some hard times and remember wondering what kind of God would allow those hard times to happen.  I've been very angry at God for not stopping those things from happening.  I've always believed that there is a God.  I've even prayed to him, at times.  But I've had a hard time putting my faith in Him.  Organized religion has never been a part of my life.  My mom taught us that God created Earth so you can worship him from anywhere on Earth.  We didn't attend church growing up and I carried that with me into my adult life.  Now it's just habit that Sunday is lazy day at our house.  I spend so much time at work during the week that I don't want to give up weekend time with my family to go to church.  Now, however, my employer is preparing to go to a 4 day work week.  Starting in August, we'll have 3 day weekends every week.  This gives me one extra day at home with my family each week.  Maybe now I don't have to be so selfish about my Sunday mornings.  Maybe now I can start learning more about religion and attempt to put more faith in Him.  I want to do these things.  I want my kids to do these things. The quote above and the 4 day work week have really got me thinking these past few days.  It just seems like somehow, SOMEONE is speaking to me.  For whatever reason, I'm still hesitant to listen right now.  I'm hoping that the 4 day work week will eliminate all of my excuses and push me to listen.  Time will tell!  In the meantime, I'd love to hear your thoughts!     

Snow Day

Three inches of snow turned today into a snow day for us!  Thankfully, my call came at 5:23 this morning so I had plenty of time to shut down the alarm clocks in our room and Lorin's room and crawl back into bed.  Unfortunately, sleep was hard to come by after being up!  I did mange to stay in bed until 8, but it was mostly light dozing which really doesn't count as sleep when you have kids!  After running a few errands and visiting Nana, we headed home to play in the snow.  Lorin couldn't get ready fast enough.  Levi wanted no part of it!  He was not happy with the snow boots and gloves.  Don't get me started on the fiasco that was me trying to put him in snow pants!  Finally, I stripped all of his snow gear off, threw on his coat and tennis shoes and let him play on the porch while Lorin and I built a snowman in the front yard.  When Brad got home, he was finally able to get him into snow boots, but that's as far was we got with snow gear!  Days like today make me wonder if his stubbornness is due to autism or if he inherited that from me.  I'm going to keep telling myself that he only got good traits from me and the stubbornness must be from autism!  He and I are inside now.  He's happily out of all snow gear and playing with his DS.  It amazes me to watch him play.  At 4, he's better at Mario than I am!  Meanwhile, Lorin and Brad are still outside.  They've been sledding, throwing snowballs and are now "exploring" along the creek behind our house.  When they finally come in, she'll want hot cocoa with marshmallow cream.  Much earlier than usual, she and Levi will both be ready for bed after the physical exhaustion of playing in the snow kicks in.  Overall, awesome day!  Days like today are part of why I love being a teacher.  Don't get me wrong.  I love my job.  But teaching has several perks and being able to spend snow days at home with my kids is definitely one of them!

Girls Day

Lorin, Mom, and I spent Saturday in KC doing the "girls day out" thing.  We ate lunch, did a little shopping, saw a show, ate some dinner, and did a little more shopping.  Not exactly my idea of a great time, except in this case it was.  At lunch, we shared a fondue dessert.  Watching Lorin dipping and re-dipping everything was hilarious!  Watching her and Nana pick out jewelry for one another while we shopped was fun.  I don't think there's a ring out there that is too gaudy for those two!  Sitting on a bench outside the theater, sharing hot cocoa, and talking about the things we hoped to see during the play was interesting.  I'm always fascinated by the things that Lorin comes up with.  We saw Aladdin.  Before the show, she was worried that the person playing Jasmine wouldn't be pretty enough; and were they going to have a real monkey; and how would the magic carpet fly; and tons of questions about the genie.  It was awesome to have that conversation with her and hear her thoughts/worries before going in.  Watching Lorin's face as she watched the play was great.  She was so entertained that she wasn't even bothered by the fact that the story differed from the Disney movie version that she's used to.  After dinner and more shopping, Lorin finally told us that she thought we should head home.  Mom and I checked our watches expecting it to be about 10 at this point and were shocked to find that it was only 6:30!  This probably doesn't sound like much to you, but I just can't tell you how much I enjoyed that day - spending time with my girl; watching my girl interact with my mom; seeing that my girl is becoming a little lady.  It was amazing!  I remember having days like this with my mom when I was younger.  I also remember reaching a point where I dreaded these days.  I begrudgingly went along with them and I'm sure I made it clear that I wasn't a willing participant.  At the time, I couldn't imagine why my mom kept putting up with me and setting up these "girls day out" events.  Now I understand.  I dread the day that Lorin no longer wants to spend these days with me.  Even then, I'll probably force her to go just like my mom did.  In the words of mothers everywhere, "one day she'll thank me for this"!