Chiropractor

I made my first ever trip to the chiropractor last week.  What an experience!  For someone that does not like people in her personal space, this definitely pushed my buttons!  I found it very hard to "relax" and let the man do his job.  In the end, I'm so very relieved that I went.  However, I'm not sure I'll ever go again.  I've never had back problems before.  I know people that have chronic back pain and I have new-found respect for them after this experience.  My experience started sometime during Christmas break, I twisted the wrong way and nearly dropped to the floor from the pain that went shooting through my lower back and down into my left leg.  The sad thing is, this happened when I was bringing a box of Christmas decorations up from the basement.  I frequently lift my 70 pound 4-year-old with no trouble, but a 15 pound box of Christmas decorations nearly laid me out!  I took some Aleve, called it quits with the decorating and spent the rest of the day laying around.  Over the next month, the pain would come and go.  At times, it was almost unbearable.  Other times, it was barely noticeable.  Finally, I took a colleagues advice and called "her guy".  It was Friday, I was hurting, and they wouldn't be able to get me in until Monday.  However, by Monday the pain was gone and I debated cancelling the appointment.  In the end, I went and am now so thankful that I did.  After filling out all the insurance paperwork, they called me back.  The gal that took me to the exam room (is that what you call it at a chiropractors office?) went over a few preliminary things and then asked if I wanted a massage to help "loosen me up".  I declined this, which took her by surprise.  Apparently, not many people decline the massage.  I was already tense and was afraid that the massage would only make it worse.  Having never been to a chiropractor before, I was a little intimidated by the "equipment" in the room.  Things looked like ancient torture devices.  It was very weird!  Eventually Dr. Chiropractor came in and commented on me declining the massage.  I told him I was very nervous/apprehensive.  At that point, he directed me to one of the torture devices and began his work.  He was very good to tell me everything he was doing and why he was doing it.  Eventually, we got into the "realigning".  This was horrible.  First, the sound of bones being snapped back into place is disgusting.  I cringed every time I heard it, despite the fact that there was no physical pain to go along with the sound.  Even worse than the sound was the closeness.  At times, he was literally sitting on me and holding parts of me down while he twisted and pulled every which way.  I'm not sure if you've caught onto this, but I HATE PEOPLE IN MY PERSONAL SPACE!  This guy was no exception.  The entire thing was just horribly awkward.  I don't know how people do this routinely.  Don't get me wrong, this guy was good.  If you find yourself in the Lexington area and needing a good chiropractor, I would happily recommend this guy to you.  But, I hope I never have to see him again.  I just don't think I can deal with the sounds and the closeness of visiting the chiropractor again!    

Hearts

We have a team of teachers at school called the PBS team.  PBS stands for Positive Behavior Support.  We track student behavior; promote positive character; represent our grade level team at meetings; etc.  This year, we decided to start providing positive support for staff members too.  This month, we've started passing out paper hearts.  Our team leader punched out construction paper hearts and put them in a container in the office.  All staff members are encouraged to write positive messages to other staff members on these hearts and leave them in the receivers mailbox.  When you receive a heart message, you post a blank heart on the wall in the main hallway.  It's pretty darn cool to see how long that chain has grown in the past few weeks!  It's also pretty darn cool to be the receiver of a heart.  To get this project started, each member of the PBS team was "assigned" 5-6 employees that they were to give hearts to.  This was a little tricky.   I wanted my hearts to be meaningful, but I had people that I rarely see other than just passing in the hallway.  Included in my first batch of "assigned" hearts were a teammate, 2 teachers that I rarely see, 1 para that I rarely see, and the lady that scans lunch cards.  My teammate was easy.  As a matter of fact, I could have easily filled a dozen hearts with all the positive things I could say about her.  The 2 teachers and the para were a little harder.  I had to make it a point to get into their part of the building and watch them so I could make their hearts specific to them.  The lunch lady was the hardest of all.  After watching her (and her colleagues) for a few days, I learned that it takes a VERY special person to be a lunch lady!  I completed my "assignment" and felt great about what I'd done - not only had I shared a positive message with someone, but I'd also learned something about them in the process.  Score 1 for paper hearts!  I've also received several hearts which is also a nice surprise.  Some have come from my teammates.  These are the people in the building that I work with every day and that know me better than anyone else at work.  Their messages have been very supportive and encouraging and I've loved reading them.  Some have come from colleagues that I don't often see.  They mention things like the patience they see me exhibit with Levi as we complete our daily routine on the way from the bus to my classroom.  These put a smile on my face because I still don't feel like a very patient person, yet they're praising me for being so patient.  I got  a very simple one from a colleague saying "thank you" for something that I'd done for them.  Those of you that know me, know how much I like hand-written thank you's!  I've even gotten a heart from the boss.  I asked her a question that she wasn't sure about the answer to so she later wrote me a heart saying that she liked that I keep her on her toes.  It probably sounds dorky to you, but I love walking into the office to check my mailbox and seeing that I have a new heart.  The message on it is always such a day brightener.  Score 2 for paper hearts!  At some point in the next few days, you should send a heart! You'll be amazed by how much a little positive reinforcement can boost a persons spirit and productivity!  

Patience

I was part of a book study at our local Baptist church a few years ago.  The author of our book stated that it's not a good idea to ask God for patience because he will likely give it to you in a manner that you don't necessarily want.  I am not a patient person.  I've never asked for patience, but I feel like it's being given to me.  I am convinced that I was given a son with autism to help teach me to be more patient.  Today, I don't like the means by which it's being given to me!  Normally, I can walk from my car to my classroom in 5 minutes.  Sometime it's longer if I stop and talk to people along the way, but 5 minutes is a pretty fair estimate.  Walking from my classroom to my car is a completely different story.  The difference?  My son.  Today, we left my classroom at 4:09.  It was 4:34 when we got everyone buckled into their seats in the car.  Twenty-five minutes to walk up one flight of stairs, down a long hallway, and across a parking lot.  I did not have the patience for this today.  I wanted to get out of there and move quickly from point A (my classroom) to point B (my car).  Levi cannot do point A to point B.  Levi has to stop at points C, D, E, F, ... along with way.  Levi has to stop at every water fountain and get a drink.  There are 6 water fountains between my classroom and the door we use to exit the building.  Levi has to stop at each bathroom and wash his hands.  There are 5 bathrooms along the way that he likes to stop in.  There are light switches at the bottom and top of the stairwell that we use.  Levi has to turn both of these off and then back on.  After turning them off, he has to tell me that they're off and I have to repeat this back to him.  We have to do the same thing when he turns them on.  As we walk up the stairs, we have to count each stair.  FYI - There are 20! When we finally make it to the exit door, we have to prop the door open, repeat back to him "Levi close the door please" and then wait for the door to slam shut.  When we finally make it to the car, we have to turn the temperature control to fan setting #3 and play the same CD starting at song #1.  He has to open and close his door all by himself.  If I help at all he has to do it again without any help from me.  Most days, I just roll with it and go through the motions of this routine without much thought.  For whatever reason, however, there are some days when this routine pushes me over the edge.  Today was one of those days.  Yep.  Today, patience is not on my side.  Dear God - I'll take fewer lessons on patience!

Family

The other day I posted about how lucky we are to have such a supportive family.  The thing is, I can't say that about my entire family and that really pisses me off.  My dad and I have a very on-again, off-again relationship.  It's complicated and has been for a very long time.  When I was in the 5th grade, my dad lost his job.  Eventually, he found a new job in a town 2 hours away.  He wanted us all to move to that town.  My mom didn't want to uproot us all and my brothers and I were happy with that decision so we stayed put and dad moved into an apartment in a new town.  At the time, I was thrilled that we weren't moving, but I felt like my dad had abandoned his family and I was very mad at him for it.  In the beginning, he came home one night during the week and every weekend.  Eventually, this turned into every weekend.  Over a few years, this turned into every other weekend.  Over a few more years, he was coming home only for holidays and important events.  As you can imagine, he missed many events, particularly school related events that went on during the work week.  His missing things only fueled my anger and I had little interest in creating any type of relationship with him.  He didn't seem all that interested either so years went by with neither of us putting in any effort.  Fast forward twenty years.  I became a parent 8 years ago.  As had been the case for several years, dad came around during holidays.  When present, he played the part of the doting grandfather.  Otherwise, we heard little from him.  Four years ago, Brad and I became parents again.  Suddenly, having two children to care for brought some perspective to my life.  I finally understand why my dad left.  I didn't agree with it, but I finally understood that he was doing what he thought was best for his family.  He was providing for us financially.  This brought me a strange sense of respect for this man who I felt like I barely knew.  At about this same time, my mom sat us down to tell us that she was going to divorce him.  Knowing that holidays at mom's house, which had been the only time we saw him for the past several years, were now going by the wayside sent me into a tailspin.  If I didn't put forth the effort, there wouldn't be any relationship.  So I started making it a point to call him every weekend.  It was weird.  This went on for almost a year.  It never got easier.  We had no idea what to talk to each other about.  I started getting angry because I felt like I was the only one putting forth any effort.  If I missed a weekend, he didn't call.  One day, I decided to not call and see how long it would take before he called me.  That was over a year ago and I've not heard from him.  It'd be really easy for me to point out all the "wrongs" he's done to me over the years and blame all of this on him.  However, I realize that I'm not an easy person to get along with.  I'm also a tried and true mama's girl.  It can't have been easy for him and I'm sure he could just as easily point the finger at me.  The thing is, I'm at a point in my life right now where I just don't care.  I have no interest in working on a relationship with him right now.  That doesn't bother me.  What bothers me is the question "what kind of person does that make me"?  What bothers me more than anything, however, is that he's missing out on the lives of these two amazing little people that Brad and I brought into the world and he doesn't seem to care at all.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive that one.  So again, I'm stuck with "what kind of person does that make me"?

ASD and the extended family

I remember when we found out that Levi has an ASD.  One of my first thoughts was "Oh, God!  How is this going to impact Lorin?"  I worried that he wouldn't be able to function as an adult in our society and would become her burden to care for when Brad and I are no longer able to do so.  This seemed so unfair to her and made me quite upset.  Thankfully, Levi is showing us every day that he is much stronger than his ASD.  Brad and I have every reason to think that he's going to be a very productive member of society and, because of this, we have been able to move on to the "acceptance" stage of the grieving process.  During the holidays, we were very fortunate to spend time with both sides of our family.  It was during this time that I realized that Levi's ASD is more far-reaching than just me, Brad and Lorin.  I never considered the impact that his diagnosis might have on other members of our family.  For example, there's the family member that immediately jumped into "fix it" mode.  They researched centers that we should contact and therapies that we should try.  They sent links to research articles.  They even went so far as to tell us that we needed to sell the house and move to an urban area where we'd have access to more resources.  On the flip-side of that, we had the "deniers".  They just didn't see what was wrong.  So he doesn't talk; that's just because his dad is shy.  He doesn't make eye-contact; that's because it makes him uncomfortable.  He likes to play with light switches and electrical outlets; he's going to be an electrician when he grows up.  Somewhere in the middle, we had the "I'm just angry" crowd.  They're not necessarily mad at Levi; they're mad at his limitations.  I can't talk to him.  I can't play with him.  He won't let me give him a hug.  Watching all of  this going on around us over the course of a few weeks was an eye-opening experience.  First, it made us realize that having a child with an ASD affects our entire family, not just me, Brad, Lorin, and Levi.  We're not in this alone.  We have the greatest resource available to us - a loving family that wants to do whatever they can to help us all weather the storm that is having a child with an ASD.  Second, it helped to make me feel normal.  I have been all of the above people.  For a very long time, I didn't want to believe that anything was wrong and I made excuses for his peculiar behavior.  Then I wanted to "fix" him.  When I realized I couldn't fix him, I was mad as hell.  Sadly, watching other people that care about him struggle to make sense of this disorder has made me feel like maybe I'm handling this in a way that's okay.  I'm glad we don't have all the answers.  It's thrilling to know that we have such an amazing group of family members to help us search for them!